Sunday, March 8, 2015

God doesn't care about size

Okay, I have to be real with you for a second.
Is that okay?
I had a really rough week with "Ed".
(Don't remember what Ed is? Remind yourself here.)
Thursday night I ended up having a complete breakdown.
I engaged in behaviors I haven't done in a long time.
I thought all was hopeless.
And if I'm being completely honest, I felt worthless.
To the point I didn't understand how anyone could love me, including God.
So, I was pretty down about everything.
But I had a concert to go to Friday night.
Nine Lashes, Decyfer Down, and Seventh Day Slumber were fantastic.
Disciple is probably one of my new favorite Christian rock bands.
But what got me was the gospel.
Kevin Young, the lead singer of Disciple, was the one ministering to us.
He told us about his relationship with his father and how his father was reluctant to believe because he thought church people would judge him.
"Nobody said anything about church people. There's you and there's Jesus. Those are the only two people that matter. You need to do whatever it is you need to do to get right with Jesus."
That struck me and I was immediately caught in the thoughts of Ed.
He went on to tell us that if we ever have those "Why God?" moments (like I had the night before) it's totally natural and He does care about us.
He then told us the story of him trying to teach his daughter how to walk.
She just kept falling and falling.
Every time, he would pick her up, comfort her, then put her right back down again and show her what to do.
"Left foot, right foot"
He told us this is exactly what our Father does to us every time we fall.
He picks us back up and teaches us.
By this point I was straight up bawling.
Thank God for my awesome husband being there to hold me.
Kevin told us that whatever we were dealing with; cutting, sexual sin, guilt, etc. (Been there, done that) that we needed to let it go and give it to God.
Now, I've heard "Let Go and Let God" many times, but it's different when he physically had us hold our hands in a fist and throw them out like we were letting go while he sang the band's song.
He told us we don't need to fix what we are dealing with before we come to God.
That's like trying to take out your cancer tumor before going to a doctor.
It's ridiculous.
I don't have to fix my eating disorder just to be alright with God.
When I relapse like I did Thursday night,
When I feel like I've fallen and hit rock bottom,
God will pick me up like a Father.
Kevin compared it all to Isaiah 65:1-2
“I revealed myself to those who did not ask for me;
    I was found by those who did not seek me.
To a nation that did not call on my name,
    I said, ‘Here am I, here am I.’
Even when we aren't looking for Him, or asking Him for help, He is there for us.
This all came full circle the next night while I was reading Goodbye Ed, Hello Me.
The chapter was all about how she didn't feel good enough for God but she realized that once she started talking to God more, she was talking to Ed less.
She ended it with: "I wasn't afraid to go to hell. I'd already been there. God opened the gates of hell and gave me a chance to escape. He loves me."
Friday night, I welcomed Jesus back into my life.
He doesn't care what size I am.
I need to say yes to Him and no to Ed.
I'm trying...


  1. I love your openness and honesty. I pray you continue to heal and to remember God's love for you -always!

  2. Thank you! I've learned it's best to just be honest about things. Not saying it was easy though.


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