If You're Reading This

Live Original pt. V will be posted tomorrow, but tonight I needed to focus on something God laid on my heart this evening.

Recently, I've found myself at sort of a standstill in my recovery. Not a relapse necessarily, but I don't feel like I'm moving forward as much as I would like. I've been reminded of the Twelve Steps and about how one of them is to make amends to people. But, with my depression still in the background, I haven't been able to do that with many people yet. But I had to get this out...Maybe they'll see it somehow, maybe it'll have to wait until I can do it myself. Who knows? That's the glory of blogging.
-------------------------------------------------------------------

If you're reading this, you probably don't know why you're here.
You probably haven't figured out this is about you.
You probably don't know why I care.
Hell, you probably don't care.

If you're reading this, I'm confused.
I'm confused how everything we had could end so abruptly.
I'm confused because I thought our friendship went beyond any attraction. I thought it was real.
I'm confused why you even came around on my wedding day. Was it just to say goodbye?

If you're reading this, I want you to know I never meant to hurt you.
I want you to know I never once judged you for any secrets you told me (and you're one of only two people in this entire world I can say that about).
I want you to know I never lied to you about how I felt.
I want you to know I appreciate that you were always there for me.

I want you to know I'm glad I didn't pick you that Christmas, because that would have ended our friendship sooner.
I want you to know that that doesn't mean I'm proud of my decision. That decision will haunt me for the rest of my life. It is one of my biggest regrets, second only to the year before. (And I still get physically sick when I remember)

If you're reading this, I wonder....
I wonder how you are.
I wonder if you ever think of me in one way or another.
I wonder if I ever meant as much to you as I thought.
I wonder if you ever make up your mind to text me, then delete the message. (I know I do.)

If you're reading this, I'm hurt.
I'm hurt that our friendship didn't mean as much to you as it did to me.
I'm hurt that you haven't so much as messaged me once in almost a year.
I'm hurt that you knew me when I was at my worst, but haven't gotten to know me now.
I'm hurt because I'm not sure you even WANT to know me now.

If you're reading this, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry if you ever felt that I lied to you or led you on.
I'm sorry I couldn't love you in the way you once loved me.
I'm sorry things are so awkward between us now.
I'm sorry I can't tell you all of this in person, but I'm not sure you want to hear it and last time I was in town I had an anxiety attack just being back there.

If you're reading this, I still care.
I still think about you.
I still remember all the fun we had.
And I'll always be glad you were my friend.

Sisterhood of the World

Meghan Anna nominated me for the Sisterhood of the World Blogger Award (like...2 months ago) and I graciously accept!

The rules that were passed down to me were:

-Answer the questions from the person that nominated you.

-Nominate some of your blogging sisterhood - there is no set number for this!

-Ask your nominees some very important questions - again, no set number.

The questions Meghan had for me?

Who's the person that when something good or bad happens you have to text or call right away to let them know?
Uh, she is. Haha. Meghan is the Christina to my Meredith, the Pamela to my Roxy, Abby to my Oliva, peanut butter to my jelly....you get the point. I text her right away as soon as ANYTHING happens. Her & my husband.
What's your favorite song right now?
Um. Well, I can't think of one. I don't remember the last time I paid attention to the radio. Haha.

Is there a singer or band that you just can't stand? Why?
That guy who sings Crazy. Gnarles Barkley? Or something like that. I don't know...that song just drove me up the wall!

Are you a dog or cat person?
Dog. I hate cats. A lot. I like kittens, but I hate cats. And I'm allergic, so there's that.

I nominate any one of you wonderful blogging sisters for this award. 

If you're reading, you're nominated!

Here's your questions:

If you had to eat one food for the rest of your life, what would it be?

Would you rather have no music or no tv?

What is your favorite television show, current or concluded/cancelled?

What is your favorite book?

(Please leave me a comment to let me know that you accepted my nomination! I'm going to go back and look for recommendations for the television show and book!)

Live Original pt. IV

On time? What's going on?!

Chapter 7--Act of Random Kindness

1. Has someone ever done an act of random kindness for you? What was it, and how did it make you feel?
This is one of those things that I can never remember when somebody asks. I'm positive I've had a random act of kindness done for me, but I can not for the life of me remember what they might be. Obviously it made me feel very happy though!

2. Is there someone at your school or in your family who would really appreciate an act of random kindness? Who is it, and what could you do for that person? 
I'm pretty sure almost anyone would appreciate an act of random kindness. Just to pick the person...

3. What can you do anonymously to bless or encourage someone?
I'd like to start leaving notes in library books. Random quotes to inspire someone, Bible verses, etc. :)

4. List three ways you could make someone's day today. 
-Smile at everyone I come in contact with.
-Text someone just to tell them they're loved.
-Make sure I get all my work done, so nobody has to make up for it in the morning.
Chapter 8--Shake the Hate

1. Is there someone in your life who gets a lot of hate? How can you stand up for that person?
Again, my sister-in-law kinda gets a lot of hate. I could try standing up for her when people start saying things online.

2. How can you start talking to yourself different when people hate on you? 
I need to remember that I was made in God's image. It doesn't matter if this person likes me, because He loves me.

3. Think about some people who may be causing you trouble. If you have not done anything wrong to them, what can you start doing right?
Right now I don't think anyone is causing me trouble, knock on wood!

4. If you have been sarcastic in the past, I challenge you to be funny without being hurtful. What can you do to take the challenge? 
I personally think you can be sarcastic without being hurtful, as long as the sarcasm isn't about another person. #sorrynotsorry. <--- Keeping Meghan's answer

May Flowers

Fingers crossed that my May goals go a bit smoother than my April goals, yes?

mental health// No Weigh May
I did this last year and it was semi-successful. The first couple weeks were me being super anxious about not being able to weigh myself. Eventually I stopped caring quite as much. When I was weighed May 30th (I had a doctor's appointment) I hadn't lost any weight. But I had gained a lot more perspective. So, here's to trying that again. Hopefully this time I'm able to lose some weight too.

physical health & weight// Physical exercise for 30+ minutes, 3 times a week.
Apparently my goals for this have been too specific, because I've been failing. So, I'll broaden it and just say "physical exercise" lol


relationships// Undecided - Brothers' birthday
My brothers turn 19 on the 31st. I want to do something semi-nice for them, but I'm not 
sure what yet.


faith// Catch up on reading the Bible
Daniel and I are doing a "Bible in a Year" plan, but we've gotten super behind. I want us to catch back up! I need to make this a better habit.


money// Figure out all the specifics for how my June money will work out.
June will potentially bring a lot of change, maybe even financially. We are hoping to move, so we need to figure out the whole "part month rent" thing and how to make that work. I also need to figure out if I'm going to tutor/teach summer school for extra cash. Decide what hours I want to do at my third job over summer break. That kind of stuff.

project pinterest// TBD
This was a lot harder than I thought it'd be! Maybe I'll do a dessert or a drink this time.


savings goal// I don't know....$136?
It's something like that. I'm too lazy to find my notebook and look it up right now. Ideally I'll just get some put in there. I know I won't be caught up this month...

April Goal Re-cap

.....my goals were a joke this month.
Fail. Fail. Fail. and oh yeah, Fail.
Bahahaha. Let's recap, shall we?

mental health// Begin the journey of medication for my anxiety/depression.
Well, this I did. I've been on medication for about 2 weeks now. It's technically too early to say whether they work or not, but they're seeming to. I've felt better, had more energy/motivation, and felt less anxious.

physical health & weight// Log all my meals on MyFitnessPal and be under my goal for 4/7 days a week
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I think I logged one day.

relationships// TBA
Oh yeah, I did this too! I bought Meghan her favorite Brantley Gilbert shirt for her birthday. She bought it when she visited me and took me to his concert, but lost it at the arena. So I replaced it. :) I was pretty proud of myself for this one.

faith// No Complaining
...Oops.

money// Get caught back up after our trip
Hey! I did this too. Go me. 

project pinterest// spring bulletin boards in my classroom
Yes ma'am (or sir)

savings goal// $119
No. Because catching up after our trip took quite a bit, plus I had to pay the first round of Daniel's tuition. Hopefully we can get back on track at some point, because we're definitely behind (had to pull some out for the trip) but we'll see. 

Live Original pt. III

Sorry, I'm posting on a Monday again.
But I've been having a great time in Nashville, so please forgive me.

Also, please forgive any weird formatting.
I'm posting this from my phone and will fix it later.

Chapter 5 - You Can Only Fix You

1. Why do you think taking personal responsibility and fixing yourself is important?
I think it's important to take personal responsibility because you can't change somebody else. You can't MAKE someone change. But you can make yourself change. Then others may see that and follow suit.

2. What's the biggest thing you think you need to fix about yourself right now? How can you start?
I think I need to fix the negative self talk. I've heard people say we shouldn't say mean things to ourselves because that gives other people the excuse to say mean things about us. To me, that makes a lot of sense. I need to focus on what I'm thinking about myself and turn it more positive.

3. Is there someone in your life who is causing you trouble? Instead of blaming that person, how can you respond to the situation in a way that will help you grow?
I really can't pick a certain person causing me trouble right now. Life's been pretty good.

4. Do you need to work on yourself by changing your group of friends? Who are some people who could influence you in positive ways and how can you develop relationships with them?
I really don't think I need to change my group of friends. I have a couple groups of friends but they're all pretty good people. I could get closer with my church friends. They'd be positive influences.

------------------------------------------------
Chapter 6 - Let Your Smile Change the World

1. How can you change the world in some little way, starting today?
By sharing the gospel! It changed my life. It could change someone else's.

2. Will you commit to reading and posting only positive, encouraging messages on social media? What changes will you need to make to keep this commitment?
I try to do this anyway. If anything, my problem is with reading them, not really posting. My posting has changed a lot since becoming friends with my parents, grandparents, and Daniel's grandparents. But I probably should commit to not reading them.

3. Who inspires you to change the world, like my papaw Howard inspires me? How can you take the lessons you have learned from that person and make a difference?
There's a group I used to be very involved in called To Write Love on Her Arms. It is a group that tries to spread awareness and hope for those struggling with depression, addiction, self injury, and suicide. It's close to my heart and the founder Jamie Tworkowski inspires me to do something about these issues. 

4. If you could change the world in one big way, what would you do? When can you start?
I would make it so that every person has had the opportunity to hear the gospel. I just need to start with one person.

Project Pinterest #4

This month I did a simpler project.
All I did was focus on my bulletin board decorations and decided to decorate my door at school.

I used pictures from all the countries my kids and their families are from (There's a lot!).

The kids love it. :)

I'm not sure what I'll do next month...