If You're Reading This

Live Original pt. V will be posted tomorrow, but tonight I needed to focus on something God laid on my heart this evening.

Recently, I've found myself at sort of a standstill in my recovery. Not a relapse necessarily, but I don't feel like I'm moving forward as much as I would like. I've been reminded of the Twelve Steps and about how one of them is to make amends to people. But, with my depression still in the background, I haven't been able to do that with many people yet. But I had to get this out...Maybe they'll see it somehow, maybe it'll have to wait until I can do it myself. Who knows? That's the glory of blogging.
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If you're reading this, you probably don't know why you're here.
You probably haven't figured out this is about you.
You probably don't know why I care.
Hell, you probably don't care.

If you're reading this, I'm confused.
I'm confused how everything we had could end so abruptly.
I'm confused because I thought our friendship went beyond any attraction. I thought it was real.
I'm confused why you even came around on my wedding day. Was it just to say goodbye?

If you're reading this, I want you to know I never meant to hurt you.
I want you to know I never once judged you for any secrets you told me (and you're one of only two people in this entire world I can say that about).
I want you to know I never lied to you about how I felt.
I want you to know I appreciate that you were always there for me.

I want you to know I'm glad I didn't pick you that Christmas, because that would have ended our friendship sooner.
I want you to know that that doesn't mean I'm proud of my decision. That decision will haunt me for the rest of my life. It is one of my biggest regrets, second only to the year before. (And I still get physically sick when I remember)

If you're reading this, I wonder....
I wonder how you are.
I wonder if you ever think of me in one way or another.
I wonder if I ever meant as much to you as I thought.
I wonder if you ever make up your mind to text me, then delete the message. (I know I do.)

If you're reading this, I'm hurt.
I'm hurt that our friendship didn't mean as much to you as it did to me.
I'm hurt that you haven't so much as messaged me once in almost a year.
I'm hurt that you knew me when I was at my worst, but haven't gotten to know me now.
I'm hurt because I'm not sure you even WANT to know me now.

If you're reading this, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry if you ever felt that I lied to you or led you on.
I'm sorry I couldn't love you in the way you once loved me.
I'm sorry things are so awkward between us now.
I'm sorry I can't tell you all of this in person, but I'm not sure you want to hear it and last time I was in town I had an anxiety attack just being back there.

If you're reading this, I still care.
I still think about you.
I still remember all the fun we had.
And I'll always be glad you were my friend.