Live Original pt. VI

Chapter 11 - Five Seconds of Awkward

1. What's the most awkward moment you've ever had?
Well, Sadie would most definitely not approve of my most awkward moment. But it involves my then-boyfriend (and now-husband) and I in a very compromising position....

2. In your most awkward moment, did you make a good decision or a bad one? (If you made a bad choice, even though it may have long-term consequences, you can be forgiven and redeemed. You'll always have another chance to make good decisions!)
I feel like I made both. On the not great side, we continued to be active even though we were so young (which at the time I thought was okay but now that I've met Jesus....) but on the good side, we came clean to our parents about it and therefore was able to get better protection against unwanted circumstances.

3. When it comes to boyfriend/girlfriend stuff, what kinds of situations are most awkward for you?
Family things are always awkward for me. I have anxiety and being around people I don't know well is really intimidating. Even now, as a married person. But back when it was just boyfriend/girlfriend it was worse because you really want them to like you in case you do work out long term.

4. Think about your answer to question 3. Now think about how you believe you should deal with those things. Based on what you believe, come up with a plan to help yourself say no when you need to say no or stand up for your convictions. Even if you have to write yourself a script and practice what you will say in certain situations or if you have to promise a friend or parent you will call them if you need them, do it! If you know ahead of time what you will and will not do, you won't have to make a last-minute decision you might later regret.
Honestly, I just need to get over it and be myself. *shrug*


Chapter 12 - Stress Causes a Mess

1. Have you ever let your mind run away with worry and then had everything turn out okay in the end? How did that make you feel?
All the time. #anxiety

2. Why is it important to get all the facts before you jump to a conclusion about something and get worried or upset about it?
I am the QUEEN of overthinking and overreacting. So yeah, you should definitely get facts because chances are you're wrong and you end up hurting when you shouldn't.

3. Jeremiah 29:11 says God has good plans for your future. Next time you worry about what's ahead, how can this verse help you not stress?
Just knowing God has a plan and I don't have to know what it is...but it'll work out. That's so comforting.

4. Of the Bible verses listed in this chapter to help you overcome worry, which one will you choose to memorize so it can help you stay calm and peaceful?
"Be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid and do not panic before them. For the Lord your God will personally go ahead of you, He will neither fail you nor abandon you." - Deuteronomy 31:6

Blogger Friend Diaries

It might be cheating that I'm using a friend who is also a blogger, but she's one of my besties, so that's gotta be okay, right?!

Obviously, the girl I'm working with for this is Meghan. You can go visit her at Meghan Anna! :)
Here are the answers she had for me this month.

1 | Give us your back story. How did you and your blogger meet?

We actually met on a now defunct journaling site. Another writer was being passive agressive towards Jayme & I refused to stand by and not say anything, We got to meet for the first time in August of 2013 & I also went down to see her in October of 2014. We're impatiently waiting til August when I'll be down for another long weekend :)

2 | Share your favorite picture of the two of you.

3 | What keeps your friendship going?
Lots and lots of text messages, tweets & Buzzfeed articles!

4 | Describe your blogger in one word.

Loyal. She's never once made me question that she's got my back. 

5 | Describe your friendship in a song
Either Find out who you friends are by Tracy Lawrence or Smalltown Throwdown by BG :) 

Mid-May Bookshelf

I'm Still Here by Kathryn R. Biel

I'm Still Here is a novel I got for free through one of my daily e-mail newsletters (Man, I love those things!). It's about a woman named Esther, who gets into a pretty bad car accident at the beginning of the book.

After her accident, she thinks she hears the voice of her twin sister, who had died by suicide seven years previously. Esther is trying to fight through her recovery from her injuries, while trying to decide whether she's going crazy.

Throughout the story, Esther is building a new relationship, while ignoring the fact that her family doesn't want her. As Goodreads says: "Through humor and heartbreak, Esther learns that blood does not mean family, that absence does not make the heart grow fonder and that silence can speak volumes."

The ending to this story is not at all what I thought it would be. This book kept me interested and I always wanted to know what was going to happen next.

4.5/5 stars

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Suicide City by Julie Frayn

I have nothing but fantastic things to say about Suicide City. Wow, I got through this book so quickly, but I wish I could just keep going and reading more.

This book is about a girl named August, from a small farm in Iowa. She's tired of spending every day doing farm chores. She hates all the rules her parents have for her - chores all the time, no dating boys even though she's 16, hand me down clothes, etc. She wants to get out. She dreams of the lifestyle of Holly Golightly from Breakfast at Tiffany's.

She runs away and ends up in Charlesworth, but she finds out that city life isn't what she thought. She meets a boy named Reese and has an instant connection. He helps take care of her while they're living on the street and their attraction for each other just continues to grow.

Reese has been on the streets for years. Although he's clean now, he used to be addicted to heroin and he deals with the urges to cut himself. You would not believe the things Reese and his friends have to do to stay alive.

This book really touched on the ideas of homeless youth and it was horrifying to read some of the things that happened - although I know they happen in real life.

5 out of 5 stars. One of my new favorite books.

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A Child Called "It" by Dave Pelzer

I've read A Child Called "It" once or twice before. It's an autobiography by Dave Pelzer, reflecting back on his childhood as a horribly abused little boy.

Dave spent most of his childhood not knowing when he would be allowed to eat his next meal, being beaten by his alcoholic mother, and not being able to lead a normal childhood.

He tells the story so vividly that as a reader, you are afraid of his mother. This story makes me cry every time I read it. This time, I plan to continue the series.

I've heard there's talk that this might not actually be a true story. I'm not sure whether it is or isn't, but either way it opened my eyes to child abuse which I know happens all the time behind closed doors.

4 out of 5 stars.

Live Original pt. V

Chapter 9 - A Friend's a Friend Forever

1. Who are your best friends?
Meghan, Lauren, Hannah, Nicole, Shelbie

2. Think of three of the best friends you have and write down their best qualities or three reasons you are friends with them.
Meghan - She's so compassionate and caring. She never judges me. She's just like me!
Lauren - She's respectful and kind. She's easy to talk to. She's fun to be around.
Hannah - She's hilarious. She likes to have a good time. She's easy to talk to.

3. In your own words, why are jealousy, pride, and selfishness dangerous to a friendship?
Jealousy can destroy friendships because it's never fun to feel like you have to compete with a friend. It's better when you're on the same level. Pride is the same deal. You shouldn't feel like you're "better" than your friend. Friendships are equal partnerships. Selfishness...well who wants to be friends with someone who only wants to do what they want to do?

4. What are one or two things about yourself that you can work on if you want to be a better friend?
Jealousy and selfishness. I get jealous really easily and it's something I need to work on in general. Selfishness because I have a hard time listening to people. I want to be there for them but I always end up chiming in with how I feel or something.

Chapter 10 - Respect Relationships

1. Do you stand up for your brothers and sisters? Next time someone starts hating on one of your siblings, what can you do to support them and protect them?
I do what I can, but my brothers are both over 6'5" so they don't really get a lot of hate. ;)

2. Are you a person who keeps your commitments? How do you need to improve?
Not always. :/ I let my anxiety get the best of me sometimes and cancel on people. I should probably just go hang out with them. It's never as bad as I think.

3. Do you respect authority? In your own words, why is it important to do so?
Yes, definitely. I think to get respect, you need to give respect, and that goes even if you're talking to authority. They will not treat you right if you don't respect them, and they don't need to.

4. What is one thing you can do today to have a better relationship with yourself?
I really need to work on the negative self talk. I'm always down on myself when I should be loving myself how God loves me. <3

If You're Reading This

Live Original pt. V will be posted tomorrow, but tonight I needed to focus on something God laid on my heart this evening.

Recently, I've found myself at sort of a standstill in my recovery. Not a relapse necessarily, but I don't feel like I'm moving forward as much as I would like. I've been reminded of the Twelve Steps and about how one of them is to make amends to people. But, with my depression still in the background, I haven't been able to do that with many people yet. But I had to get this out...Maybe they'll see it somehow, maybe it'll have to wait until I can do it myself. Who knows? That's the glory of blogging.
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If you're reading this, you probably don't know why you're here.
You probably haven't figured out this is about you.
You probably don't know why I care.
Hell, you probably don't care.

If you're reading this, I'm confused.
I'm confused how everything we had could end so abruptly.
I'm confused because I thought our friendship went beyond any attraction. I thought it was real.
I'm confused why you even came around on my wedding day. Was it just to say goodbye?

If you're reading this, I want you to know I never meant to hurt you.
I want you to know I never once judged you for any secrets you told me (and you're one of only two people in this entire world I can say that about).
I want you to know I never lied to you about how I felt.
I want you to know I appreciate that you were always there for me.

I want you to know I'm glad I didn't pick you that Christmas, because that would have ended our friendship sooner.
I want you to know that that doesn't mean I'm proud of my decision. That decision will haunt me for the rest of my life. It is one of my biggest regrets, second only to the year before. (And I still get physically sick when I remember)

If you're reading this, I wonder....
I wonder how you are.
I wonder if you ever think of me in one way or another.
I wonder if I ever meant as much to you as I thought.
I wonder if you ever make up your mind to text me, then delete the message. (I know I do.)

If you're reading this, I'm hurt.
I'm hurt that our friendship didn't mean as much to you as it did to me.
I'm hurt that you haven't so much as messaged me once in almost a year.
I'm hurt that you knew me when I was at my worst, but haven't gotten to know me now.
I'm hurt because I'm not sure you even WANT to know me now.

If you're reading this, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry if you ever felt that I lied to you or led you on.
I'm sorry I couldn't love you in the way you once loved me.
I'm sorry things are so awkward between us now.
I'm sorry I can't tell you all of this in person, but I'm not sure you want to hear it and last time I was in town I had an anxiety attack just being back there.

If you're reading this, I still care.
I still think about you.
I still remember all the fun we had.
And I'll always be glad you were my friend.

Sisterhood of the World

Meghan Anna nominated me for the Sisterhood of the World Blogger Award (like...2 months ago) and I graciously accept!

The rules that were passed down to me were:

-Answer the questions from the person that nominated you.

-Nominate some of your blogging sisterhood - there is no set number for this!

-Ask your nominees some very important questions - again, no set number.

The questions Meghan had for me?

Who's the person that when something good or bad happens you have to text or call right away to let them know?
Uh, she is. Haha. Meghan is the Christina to my Meredith, the Pamela to my Roxy, Abby to my Oliva, peanut butter to my jelly....you get the point. I text her right away as soon as ANYTHING happens. Her & my husband.
What's your favorite song right now?
Um. Well, I can't think of one. I don't remember the last time I paid attention to the radio. Haha.

Is there a singer or band that you just can't stand? Why?
That guy who sings Crazy. Gnarles Barkley? Or something like that. I don't know...that song just drove me up the wall!

Are you a dog or cat person?
Dog. I hate cats. A lot. I like kittens, but I hate cats. And I'm allergic, so there's that.

I nominate any one of you wonderful blogging sisters for this award. 

If you're reading, you're nominated!

Here's your questions:

If you had to eat one food for the rest of your life, what would it be?

Would you rather have no music or no tv?

What is your favorite television show, current or concluded/cancelled?

What is your favorite book?

(Please leave me a comment to let me know that you accepted my nomination! I'm going to go back and look for recommendations for the television show and book!)

Live Original pt. IV

On time? What's going on?!

Chapter 7--Act of Random Kindness

1. Has someone ever done an act of random kindness for you? What was it, and how did it make you feel?
This is one of those things that I can never remember when somebody asks. I'm positive I've had a random act of kindness done for me, but I can not for the life of me remember what they might be. Obviously it made me feel very happy though!

2. Is there someone at your school or in your family who would really appreciate an act of random kindness? Who is it, and what could you do for that person? 
I'm pretty sure almost anyone would appreciate an act of random kindness. Just to pick the person...

3. What can you do anonymously to bless or encourage someone?
I'd like to start leaving notes in library books. Random quotes to inspire someone, Bible verses, etc. :)

4. List three ways you could make someone's day today. 
-Smile at everyone I come in contact with.
-Text someone just to tell them they're loved.
-Make sure I get all my work done, so nobody has to make up for it in the morning.
Chapter 8--Shake the Hate

1. Is there someone in your life who gets a lot of hate? How can you stand up for that person?
Again, my sister-in-law kinda gets a lot of hate. I could try standing up for her when people start saying things online.

2. How can you start talking to yourself different when people hate on you? 
I need to remember that I was made in God's image. It doesn't matter if this person likes me, because He loves me.

3. Think about some people who may be causing you trouble. If you have not done anything wrong to them, what can you start doing right?
Right now I don't think anyone is causing me trouble, knock on wood!

4. If you have been sarcastic in the past, I challenge you to be funny without being hurtful. What can you do to take the challenge? 
I personally think you can be sarcastic without being hurtful, as long as the sarcasm isn't about another person. #sorrynotsorry. <--- Keeping Meghan's answer